The call to spiritual motherhood

For all you single ladies out there, longing for a vocation to motherhood to begin, or all of you married women who are unable to conceive a child, take heart in this beautiful meditation from Caryll Houselander. Whether God has asked this special sacrifice of yours for a little while or has asked you to bear this lifelong cross of barrenness, may you find inspiration to the noble calling you have received ~

"For some, marriage is a vocation; it is a superb vocation, on it depends not merely our race going on, but the Christian life going on in the world. But there are others who have the vocation to be spiritual mothers. Sometimes they are married women too and learn this spiritual motherhood from their own children, but sometimes they are unmarried, either from choice or circumstance. I say 'circumstance' because it is a cruel mistake to suppose that if a woman would honestly like to marry but circumstances make it impossible, that she is merely frustrated and should devote her life to toy dogs, bazaars and acidity.

Circumstance is the one reliable test of God's will for us, and a clearer indication than any 'attraction' we might feel.

For the woman, then, who does not marry, is motherhood a vocation? It most certainly is, and God forbid that anyone should read into those words condoning of that fussy, grasping interfering attitude that passes so often for 'spiritual motherhood'. The essential thing is this, that the mother instinct, the capacity for love, be awake, alive.

This means suffering. It is easier in the long run to dry up the life in us than to develop and direct it. The woman who will be truly a spiritual mother will feel in herself, in her body and in her soul all the desire and necessity for a child of her own.

In this very passionate longing, in this aliveness of love her purity will consist. Indeed it is the essence of virginity, for we do not lay dead ash on the altar of sacrifice but burning fire. The same intense aliveness gives her a constant suffering. All maternity involves pain and sacrifice, spiritual motherhood as much as any other.

Then again she has to think this, that it is for the sake of the spiritually motherless children that God asks her to suffer this lifelong depth of feeling, which so far as her personal gratification is concerned will always be unsatisfied. He wants her to be hungry and thirsty all her life. This is achieved only by the development of her nature and complete abandonment to his will.

For whom is this hunger and thirst? For whom does God ask women to develop their human nature to its full warmth and tenderness and to sacrifice it? For the child Christ.

The child Christ lives in many souls, disregarded, unfostered, unhelped. It is not only in the sinner that he needs a mother, but in timid and ignorant sould, in while where innocent life is suffocated by worldliness, in souls surrounded by subtle temptations to so compromise with faith and holiness that were there no mother to help and counsel and make strong, his life could never be more than a sickly colourless flower growing in a dark cellar."

~ Caryll Houselander
in the essay "Mother of the Unseen Christ"
found in the book "Lift up your hearts".

The great car search

Well, for every bit easy as my job opportunity in Nashville came about, the preparations leading up to moving have been every bit as hard. I guess I naively expected that because everything flowed so easily with the job offer aspect, everything else should follow suite. Not so. Saying 'yes' to God's call is just the first step, it's just getting the ball rolling. Once the rubber hits the road it's a whole different story.

I've never owned a car, but I absolutely need to get one for Nashville, since I am pretty sure that public transportation is not as prevalent as in D.C. My brother and I have visited 7 car dealerships over the past few weeks, trying to find a reliable, quality car in my budget with no avail. Nothing in my price range seems to be satisfactory, and dealing with the smooth-talking, game-playing salesmen day after day has proven very trying. The other day I left the car dealership we went to nearly in tears, so frustrated that the car search that has dragged out for weeks (and months, really, because I started looking for a car before I even had Nashville on my radar) with no success.

The feeling seemed strangely familiar though. I felt dejected, discouraged, and weary. Then I remembered that this was the exact same feeling I had when I was in the midst of my job search a few weeks before I submitted my application to the Nashville position. And yet, within a short time after this deep discouragement set in, I quickly received a job offer for just the sort of job I'd been looking for.

It's that God's timing thing. He asks us to preserve so we might grow in faith and mature in trust. Just when we think we're smooth sailing, He asks for more surrender. So I am trying to remember that my heavenly Father knows all that I need. He knows how many hairs are on my head, and what car I need. I will try to "wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 24:14) I will try to remember that everything will ultimately fall into place in His perfect time, even as I fight restless impatience as I wait.

In the meantime, no thank you, Mr. Car Salesman, I do not need a car with a blue tooth device, or fancy features.

And if you want any facts about the reliability of used compact cars, just let me know. I pretty much have the consumer reports memorized.

God's prism

Change certainly provides a unique opportunity to look at your life in a different light. It's a bittersweet thing, because in preparing to move on to the next step, you are able to to appreciate more deeply all of the blessings that you have been given in this time; yet it also means moving from your current blessings to new blessings, and saying farewell to dear friends and people who have made a beautiful impact in your life in a day-to-day basis.

In thinking about my three years in Washington, D.C. and the wonderful friends I have made, colorful acquaintances I have developed, and the sweet co-workers that I have learned so much from, it struck me how God has used so many people here to speak His love to me. And I see how in each of these people God has touched me in myriads of ways. No two people have manifested God to me in the same way. Rather, each with their own charism, they have shown me the face of Christ, whether implicit or explicit; whether they were Catholic, Protestant, or atheist.


I am awed by the way God speaks to us through one another, answering our prayers through the Body of Christ. I am so thankful for all of these people; the ones who encourage; the ones who challenge; the ones who entertain; the ones who console; the ones who serve; the ones who inspire; the ones who beckon; the ones who affirm; the ones who witness.

Hans Urs Von Balthasar talks about how "The Old Testament spoke in similar terms of God's wisdom permeating the whole of his creation; it was always the same, unique wisdom, belonging to God alone, which is multiplied, as it were, through the multiplicity of creatures, and - as Paul says - is split into many colors."

flickr/by *paylamaginaire*

It makes me think of how the Body of Christ, the Church, is like God's light shining through a prism, manifested to us in the thousands of colors of those around us. How beautiful and rich our lives are because of the way each individual person casts his or her unique hue. And even more beautiful still is the way that God orchestrates these rays in perfect time, that their we encounter the words or actions of specific people who speak to our hearts in times of difficulty, in response to a new calling, or in answer to a prayer.

Von Balthasar speaks to the unique way which God's people witness His love to one another:

"But each one, being absorbed by his task, which is one part, one charism,
within the Church's great mission in the world,
acquires his distinctive and personal face...
For God is always the Unique One, and all he gives his creature bear this stamp:
it manifests and embodies his uniqueness."

Let your light, your own light, shine bright. There is no telling how God will use it to create a dazzling display of light to others.

Solitude and loneliness

Over the past several months, I have been praying, reflecting, and reading a lot on the cross of loneliness and the fruit of solitude. I feel like it's been a very eye-opening journey, as I seek to see my own moments of loneliness as an opportunity to enter more deeply into communion with Christ, and to allow Christ to transform loneliness into holy, fruitful, creative solitude. Ever so slowly, I am beginning to better understand the concept of solitude; how through a spirit of solitude, the Lord creates a peace-filled space in our hearts where He can come and dwell. When we embrace a spirit of solitude we open ourselves up to the work of Christ, and become more free to give ourselves in service of others.

Today I read a beautiful reflection related to this in the Magnificat (although this reflection is from Tuesday, October 5th). I wanted to highlight some of this here.

"For it is, on the whole, just the saints who do desire solitude; the sinners are far too lonely to find a desert at all suitable or even tolerable. Notice who those are that spend most of their time rushing from one distraction to another; they are those who have felt the torment of loneliness so fiercely that they cannot endure to be by themselves. So lonely are they that they spend all their time feverishly pursuing one pleasure after another or one work after another...

Pleasure is heaped up in crowded hours to make them forget the aching void of their hearts. Indeed, it is their greatest punishment that they finally succeed, until they lose at last all perception of their pain, whereas the saints are so full in themselves of love that they must draw off alone to be away from all others; so accompanied are they by the dear presence of their Friend...Thus sat Mary at the feet of Jesus, while Martha, busied over many things that were unnecessary, hurried to and fro, sometimes in his presence and sometimes out of it. This does not mean that we can show our love only by retiring out of the world to the cloister; but it does imply that only those can stand the loneliness of life who have their hearts aflame with the love of another."

~ Father Bede Jarrett, O.P.

A Contemplative in the City...for 25 more days and counting

So, if I end up moving when I am planning to, I will be leaving Washington D.C. in just 25 days. Wow. Some friends and relatives who used to live in D.C. have told me that I need to make sure that I take advantage of all that the city offers...because when you live here often times you start to take for granted all of the cultural opportunities that surround you.

I think that I have at least tried to take advantage of many cultural activities here in our nation's capital, but as I realize how quickly I will be leaving town, I begin to think of the myriad of things that I have wanted to do while living here, but never have gotten around to doing. Funny how drastically your perspective changes when you are preparing to life a place or a certain stage in life. There are dozens of museums, restaurants, and parks that I still haven't made it to. While I would love to think that I could at least hit up a few of these attractions, the fact of the matter is that my time will be quite limited as I prepare to move. Perhaps though, I can fit in an excursion or two as I take a break from packing or planning.

In any case, I anticipate that my blog will take on both a nostalgic tone as I reflect even deeper on my experiences here in D.C., as well an eager anticipatory tone as I look toward my ensuing adventure.

And what will become of my blog after I move? Somehow, "Contemplative in the City" won't fit quite so well. "Contemplative in Music City"? maybe so...but perhaps it will take on a much different flair all together. Stay tuned.

Singleness and the present moment

Yesterday I went to an excellent conference for single women, called "The Art of Being a Woman." It was a beautiful day, and I feel like I took away a lot of inspiration and motivation from the talks, witnesses, and prayer time. I am sure in the next few weeks I will be unpacking some of the topics that were discussed.

While the talks were geared towards women whose ultimate 'goal' was marriage, I appreciated the fact that the speakers also spoke of the importance of the vocation of the present moment. This was very heartening as well as thought-provoking.

One of the primary struggles of the single life, I think, is feeling like you are in a state where you are waiting for your 'permanant vocation' to finally come along. While it is good to be thinking in terms of a long term vision for your future, I think that viewing singleness as simply a "waiting" period is not entirely helpful. Furthermore, singleness is also described as a time of preparation. In particular, it is often portrayed as a time when hopeful wives-to-be can brush up on their cooking skills, pay off their debt, or work on personal growth areas that will enrich their future marriage. Obviously this is a legitimate and worthwhile perspective, particularly for those that are pretty convinced that their vocation is marriage. And obviously, it is worthy and good to embark on these goals for their own sake as well.

However, I think that the restlessness and discontent that comes with being single can often be exacerbated when one's current state in life is only viewed as a period of waiting, or a only viewed period of preparation for some more grand purpose. It robs us of the dignity of what we are doing in this very moment. What needs to be recognized and affirmed for singles is the value of the present moment. Certainly for everyone, married, single, religious, our experiences throughout life serve to prepare us for forthcoming events in God's providential plan. It's really neat and beautiful the way that works, and in this way, no matter what we are doing we can see it as a preparation for the future, or as part of waiting for life to unfold before us. But I think that we also can't overlook the fact that each gift God gifts us, each challenge He calls us to, and each opportunity for service as singles that He gives us has an inherent goodness and purpose in and of itself.

I'm pretty sure that if we live our lives as singles solely storing up treasures for the future, delicately trying to measure out our activities to fit the mold of what we envision our future to be, we will be setting ourselves up for greater impatience, and a greater tendency to neglect the tasks at hand.

It's encouraging and inspiring to me to remember that God has called me to this current state of singleness right now for His greater purpose. Right now, in this moment, He is giving me opportunities to love and to be loved; to serve and be served. There is something about my singleness right now that He is using to for the glory of His kingdom right now.

A life surrendered to God in the little details, letting His Spirit penetrate your heart and move in mysterious ways is not a life in limbo; a life looking for ways to serve others and to love the souls in your midst is not simply a holding pattern; a life in which you pick up the heavy crosses along your paths with courage and strength is not merely a waiting game. This, my friends, is living life to the full, living the vocation of the moment. We should not be ashamed that this is "all" we are doing. This is all we have to do.

New directions

View from the Nashville Airport

Well, it's official. I have accepted the academic librarian position in Nashville! I am thrilled, excited, nervous and overwhelmed all at the same time.

It was crazy how quickly everything happened, and how quickly the opportunity was presented to me. In some respect, it was definitely a difficult decision, because it entails picking up and leaving the life I have become accustomed to, leaving family and friends here in D.C. that I hold dear, and moving further away from my immediate family in Pittsburgh. But after returning from the interview, the more I took the decision to prayer, the more I was convicted that this opportunity was a gift that the Lord was presenting me with; all I had to do was say, "Yes Lord."

In the days to leading up to my trip to Nashville, and in my time there, all of these thoughts of "How is this going to work out?" "What if this happens?" "What if that happens" or "What if there is not much of a Catholic community here?" "What if it means that I will have no chance of meeting a spouse here?...Maybe moving from D.C. is just my resignation of leaving the 'happening-scene' and being a spinster forever." "What if there is nothing fun to do?" "What if I am really lonely?"

In the midst of my "what-ifs" and "how is this going to work out?" I felt as if God was saying, "I am not asking you to say "Yes" to all of these "what-ifs", or even anything beyond this job -- anything beyond this step right in front of you. I am just asking you to say yes to this one thing. All else will fall into place. "

I was thinking a lot about Our Lady's Fiat; her utter uncertainty in that moment, and the way that she just had to say yes to that one thing that God was asking of her. She had to trust that God would take care of all else as His will unfolded.

It is terrifying and overwhelming to think about moving to a brand-new city where I barely know anyone. It's 9 hours from my home and family, and 11 hours from DC, where I have such dear friends and a wonderful Catholic community.

But in talking with good friends and family, it's been made clear to me that this is not only a job opportunity that God has blessed me with. It is a job opportunity that in so many ways is exactly the sort of job that I have been looking for. It includes working with a seemingly wonderful group of people, having exactly the professional responsibilities and daily tasks that I have aspired to have, and having a lot of room for professional growth. Furthermore, there has definitely been a growing desire over the past year for me to live in a place that is slower paced, and a place where people put down roots, rather than flit in and out as is customary in D.C. I want to live in a place where I can be a part of a strong local community, and find my place there, wherever that might be.

I feel that God is presenting me with a beautiful gift, and I am filled with awe and gratitude at His unexpected and captivating movement in my life.

I am certain that this job will be filled with it's own challenges, frustrations, and hardships; but I am also certain that this is what He has for me now. He is calling me onward to this next step, and I have to take a faith-filled leap into the unknown. As Brian Volck says on the Image blog, "Vocation, like community, challenges and holds one accountable even as it offers gifts and opens doors."

In the few weeks leading up to my interview, I had discovered a new favorite song, "I will follow You," by Chris Tomlin. Little did I know that the lyrics of this song would soon become the song of my heart, sung excitedly, anxiously, graciously, and determinedly.

I Will Follow
Chris Tomlin

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow...

All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my side
High above my life
I will trust in you alone

Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you

Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for you alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in you alone, in you alone

In you there's life everlasting
In you there's freedom for my soul
In you there joy, unending joy
and I will follow.

Here's to a big step down a new road in my life. I will follow You.

Glory.

Autumn in Beaver, PA

Not alone

A friend of mine recently lent me the book "Interior Freedom", by Jacques Philippe. I have read another book by this author, and was really moved by his spiritual reflections which are at the same time simple and down-to-earth, yet very profound. During this time in my life when I am making big decisions, anticipating change and the unknown, I found the following passage, which is the closing reflection in the book, to be so inspirational. We are never alone - He always goes before us, leading us and guiding us.

"By way of conclusion, I offer for the reader's meditation a beautiful dialogue between Jesus and a contemporary Spanish spiritual writer, who has had a close relationship with Our Lady since childhood who has chosen to remain anonymous.


flickr/ by andycoan


'Have you never wondered which of all the things that you experience causes me the greatest joy?'

'No,' I said to Jesus.

He answered, 'When in lucid freedom, you say yes to God's calls.' And then He continued, 'remember what it says in the Gospel, "The truth will make you free." You can only respond freely to the calls of grace when your own truth becomes clear, when you accept it humbly, and when on that basis, you maintain a conversation with God, realizing that everything that has happened and has happened to you is part of a loving and providential project of your Father God.'

'Yes, many things will cause you perplexity, They will even plunge you into intense darkness, and, still more, into suffering that wounds and paralyzes you. But if you have recourse to your faith, it will be your shield. Doesn't God reveal himself as your Abba?  Have not I, the Son, taken on your condition at it's most wretched? Doesn't the Paraclete defend you? Believe all this will your heart and soul, and it will fill you with trust and confidence.'

'Don't be afraid of yourselves! Don't be afraid of all that you are in your human reality, where God pitches His tent to dwell with you. God is incarnation. God's new name is Emmanuel, God is with us: God with your reality. Open yourself to it without fear. Only in the measure you discover yourself will you will discover the depths of his love. In the depths of what you are, you will experience that you are not alone. Someone, lovingly and mercifully, not as spectator, not as judge, but as someone who loves you, who offers himself to you, who espouses you to free you, save you, and heal you...To stay with you forever, loving you, loving you!' "

Whirlwind of a week

Hello readers, my apologies for the lapse in posting over the past week. In an amazing sweep of events, God has brought a job opportunity into my life that was quite unexpected, and is quite exciting. In the span of just a little over one week, I applied for a job, had a phone interview, was provided with an all expense paid trip to Nashville to interview, and received a job offer. Pretty incredible.

There are many aspects of the job which I am so excited about. The work responsibilities are exactly the aspects of librarianship that I have been wanting to get involved with. The people are friendly, welcoming, and professional. The mission is something that I really feel I can put my heart into, and use my talents to serve the Lord and His Church. There is tremendous opportunity for growth and professional development within the position. It really is quite ideal.

Unfortunately, there are some aspects which make the decision a bit harder, such as whether it will be a financially feasible position for me to take. Also, there is the huge, daunting thought of moving to a brand new city where I know virtually no one. It's farther from my family, and would also mean leaving a wonderful community of Catholic friends here.

But I wonder if God is calling me to something entirely new, to a job and a city that hadn't even been on my radar before. His ways are certainly mysterious, and I want to be open to the ways that He wants to bless me and lead me.

If you think of it, please say a prayer for my discernment. This whole opportunity arose shortly after I finished my 30 day novena to St. Joseph. I am sure he will lead me through to the end of this decision that I might be enlightened to the will of the Father.