Be Thou my Vision

Vision. We all want to have a glorious vision, a defined framework, and a honorable mission for our lives. We want some exuberant goal on which to set our sights. But we want it to be a clear cut way of life, outlined for us to take on a specific mission with passion. In a certain sense, as Catholics, we believe that a major part of this vision for our lives is our own personal vocation. Are we called to give ourselves fully to the Church, as a religious? Or to another person, our spouse, in marriage? Or to the world in His service as a consecrated lay person? There is a yearning in all of us to identify this vision for our lives, take this specific life-path that we were created for, and live out our vocation wholeheartedly.

Enter 20-something singleness. A state of life filled with yearning for that unique vision, longing to see it's fulfillement. But a time also wracked with soul-searching, confusion, and anxiety, trying to figure out just where it is that He wants me to go, who it is that He wants me to be. And did I mention, when will that moment of discovering my vocation finally come? This is a place I am very much at right now, just wanting to see how my sometimes isolated, work-a-day life right now fits into His greater plan for my joy. As a melancholic idealist, it is that sense of noble vision, deeper purpose, which impels me to drudge through the daily grind and monotonous tasks because I have an understanding that I am working towards a specific greater glory. But what about when I am seemingly visionless, and unsure of where He is leading me, what vocation or lifework He is calling me?

I remember a priest at Ave Maria giving a homily about trust. It really impacted me, because this was about 5 years ago, and I still go back to it continually. I remember him saying how we all want to be able to see the future, to see the big picture ahead of us so we can understand God's purposes and callings. And yet, he said, so often, it is like we are holding a pencil-sized flashlight in front our our feet, the only light to guide our way. This tiny light is all that we can see in front of us. And it is through accepting that we are only able to see that tiny, tiny, spec of light in front of us, that we learn radical faith and trust.

In the midst of my confusion and anxiety about my current state in life and inability to see where in the world God is leading me, He really spoke to my heart through a devotional passage. I have been reading "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers, and I came upon this meditation about "God's Purpose or Mine?"

"What is my vision of God's purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me."

"What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is alright because I see Him "walking on the sea (6:49)"

Peter Walks on Water, 1806 by Philipp Otto Runge

Reading this meditation brought me such comfort and conviction to the places in my heart that are heaviest right now. It's so hard not to have a clear vision of where I am headed or where He wants me to go. Not to have the framework of marriage, or religious life where I respond to the demands of love and receive the gifts of love within a particular states-of-life.

His word? For now, my vision must be wholly on Him. Watching Him walk on the water. Watching Him work the miracle of standing on the raging seas. I am called not to follow one specific life's vocation right now, but to set my eyes on Him, that He would "be thou my vision", totally, completely. And while I am looking at Him, He will move in me, and in my life.

As Oswald Chambers continues,

"God's training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it...God's purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now... If we realize that moment by moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious."

The Widow's Mite

Structuring and achieving an active spiritual life as a young professional can be very difficult at times. I have felt this frustration very keenly over the past few months. Perhaps this is not simply because the duties of working keep me busy for the greater part of the week, but because without a car, I am at the mercy of the (often unreliable) and inflexible schedule of public transportation. I would love to be able to hop in my car after work and go to the adoration chapel for a half an hour in the evenings sometime. Or have a Church close enough to my work that I could go to Mass on my lunch break. The reality is though, due to the location of my work, a relatively unflexible schedule, and the inability to just hop in my car and catch an evening Mass or night adoration, it's difficult for me to incorporate these spiritual events into my daily routine.

As someone who went to two vibrant Catholic colleges, with a plethora of daily Mass options and Eucharistic chapels right down the hall, it's disappointing not to be able to make these things part of my day everyday. These were definitely aspects of college life that I took for granted, and didn't realize how difficult it would be at times to get to daily Mass or adoration on a 8:30-5pm schedule as a young professional. Last week, I was particularly frustrated that I am seemingly a "slacker" in the spiritual life compared to many of my friends who are able to get to daily Mass and adoration on a much more regular basis. Yet as I was bemoaning my state, I felt the Lord say to me very clearly, "remember the widows mite".

Mark 12:42-44 says,

"But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."

As I recalled this story, I felt the Lord encouraging me in my desire to give Him His due honor, worship, and praise. Sure, I could accomplish a lot more spiritual activities if I had a more flexible means of transportation, or more flexible schedule. But that is not how my life is structured right now. Right now, all He is asking of me is to give out of my poverty, and offer what I can to Him. Even if that just means being faithful to reading my Magnificat prayers each morning as I ride into work when I would rather be daydreaming or reading a novel. For those of us who aren't able to attend daily Mass or adoration, He is asking us to give Him our hearts, in union with the Sacrifice of the Mass; our desire to be with Him and to know Him more deeply in itself will bring Him great glory and honor. He merely asks us to give what we've got. He's not asking us to give what our friend has got, what our neightbor has got, or what or aunt has got. He is asking us to give what we have got. It could be a wide open schedule full of time to fit in multiple spiritual devotions a day, or it could be making it a priority to pray in the very midst of the hustle and bustle.

I remember vividly a talk that a graduate of Franciscan University of Steubenville gave to a group of Communication Arts students my senior year. She was talking about her job as a film producer and the integration of her spiritual life within that hectic schedule. She was reminding us that we were not always going to have the luxury of having the time or means to attend daily Mass, adoration, or prayer groups. Depending on what God was asking us to do in our lives and the circumstances that He places us in, it would most likely be a lot harder to find structured time to pray. I remember her saying that sometimes her spiritual life consisted, at the end of the day, a desperate prayer to the Lord, "Jesus, I need your help."

So I pray for the grace to give Him my fraction of a penny. May I give it with a zealous, sincere, and loving heart, in whatever way He asks.